My Mid-year Resolution (or how I’m choosing to become a doer, not a waiter)

Lately, I’ve been suffering from a case of Facebook-jealousy.

I’m sure you’ve encountered this feeling before, lying bed at 12am, scrolling through your Facebook feed, reading all about all the amazing awards your friends are earning, trips they’re taking, achievements they’re earning. It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, but you being the masochist that you are, can’t resist scrolling further, clicking on posts to read all the exclamatory, laudatory comments, all the “Wow!”s and “Well done”s left on those posts while you burn with envy the entire time. Facebook-jealousy makes you feel mediocre and gives you the strong urge to maybe cure cancer or end world hunger—accomplish something equally as or even more amazing, something that’ll say, “Look at me—I’m smart and talented too.”

Recently, as my senior year and the dreaded college application process approaches, I feel like I’m on a clock to do something of that caliber, something that’ll seem impressive and make people leave a “Wow” or “Well done” on my page too. I read these posts and think maybe a little derisively, Pfft, I can totally do that or with a mix of awe and bitterness, I wish I’d done that. And then I go to bed unsatisfied, feeling the urge to do something amazing, but unable to figure out how to do something like that.

Facebook-jealousy makes you feel mediocre and gives you the strong urge to maybe cure cancer or end world hunger—accomplish something equally as or even more amazing, something that’ll say, “Look at me—I’m smart and talented too.”

Last night, this case of Facebook-jealousy was reaching new levels. I clicked on a post about “50 High Schoolers to Watch Out To”, and was unsurprised to see a few faces that were involved in Facebook groups I was part of. Scrolling down that list, I imagined myself on that list, my awkwardly grinning picture tacked under the 50th student, with an equally as awkward blurb about what amazing things I’d done to earn such an honor. I dreamed of getting emails from companies like Facebook, Google, and Microsoft, begging for me to work for them, to share my intelligence with them; I dreamed about getting into my top-choice college and wowing all my professors. I dreamed about creating the next big revolutionary app.

And then I woke up and found myself, again, in my generally average life where I’d done really only generally average things.

As I was thinking about all of these imaginary accomplishments of mine in my dream, I realized that that dream wasn’t a new situation. I’ve always imagined myself doing really amazing things, wanted to do really amazing things. I imagined myself going to hackathons, starting a very successful and popular blog, developing something that would really help a lot of people…

… but dreaming was all I was doing.

When I started to look at hackathons to sign up for, I found myself getting discouraged. I don’t even have an idea, I thought, looking at the fifth potential hackathon I could attend. I probably won’t win and it’s so far away, too. The list of reasons not to go was endless, battling with my imaginary visions of making an app that would cure cancer and subsequently winning 1st place at the hackathon. In the end, my pessimism won out and I closed out of the tabs with a frown on my face, feeling all the more discouraged.

Over the past year, every time I’ve sat down at my computer, ready to start creating my to-be-wildly-popular blog, all the negativity rushes back. No one’s going to read it, I thought. What will I even talk about? All my articles will be boring. It’ll take way too much time to maintain. During the night, I’d dream of writing witty articles about things from Android development to college admissions to the my favorite book to how much I love Sleeping At Last and everything in between. But when I opened my computer to start writing these articles, every single word in my head would evaporate and all that would come out would be a big pile of blah.

That’s what I felt like, truly. A big pile of blah.blah that sits and dreams and waits, but never does.

I know that I’m supposed to make resolutions on New Year’s Day, not in the middle of July–but I believe that people can choose to change whenever they want, that that opportunity to change does not arise only once a year, but that it is always present, if you’re willing to reach out and grab it. That’s what I’m doing now–reaching out and grabbing my chance to change.

…but I believe that people can choose to change whenever they want, that that opportunity to change does not arise only once a year, but that it is always present, if you’re willing to reach out and grab it… 

I’m not going to be a waiter anymore, sitting around dreaming of being in the place of the doers. I’m not going to focus on the amazing things all my friends are doing, but rather the next big amazing thing that I’m going to do. Because I can do it–I just need to believe I can and take the initiative to do it.

I’m not going to be a waiter, but rather a doer.

And that starts with the creation of this blog.

You, dear reader, can join me in this journey, if you want, either as a supporter (I’d love to hear your thoughts on how I can be a better doer!) or as a fellow waiter-turning-doer (I’d love to hear about your own experiences with Facebook-jealousy/mediocrity, and what you’re doing to become a doer). If you’re interested on following this journey, or reading other reflections, please click the follow button or leave a comment below—I’d really appreciate it. 

Either way, thanks for reading, and until next time! 

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